Just Another Trip Around The Sun

It used to be that when people learned my birthday was on New Year's Eve, they'd say "Boy, you're going to have a real blow out for the millennium, aren't you?" In reality, I fell asleep at 10:30 p.m. on the couch in my Brooklyn apartment on December 31, 1999.

The truth is that I've always felt that my birthday was an annual sacrifice to the cacophonous crowds of revelers. Even trying to celebrate my day seemed pointless. Better to ignore it -- which is what I've done for many years now. So, instead of taking time to reflect on that day, each year I just let it pass more or less like all the rest.

Today however, I turn 50. And I am finally doing what I have aimed to do for so long. I suppose that warrants circumspection.

On the plus side, I am traveling again, something I've missed since my return from Asia in 2007. And I am doing it under my own power, so to speak. There is something purposive about it and it gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction, despite the challenges. My career gave me a sense of purpose, but frankly I have felt rudderless in it of late. I needed to escape, even if it is a temporary flight. On the other hand, I am unemployed for the first time since I was 16. That is a weird feeling and has produced moments of ennui and occasionally, something not far off of sheer panic.

Let's face it. At age 50, the most I can reasonably expect is another 20 years of decent health. If I'm lucky, it might be a few more. Then again, there are certainly no guarantees of even that much. As Bob Dylan said, "it ain't dark yet, but it's getting there." That's why I've chosen to hollow out this time in my life; to cut through the dream and let it close in the wake behind me. Tomorrow could be too late.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish in this pursuit. It was never Noi's ambition and if she'd not met me, she'd no doubt be something completely different. She's a bit younger than me, though (well OK, more than a bit!) and there's still time to do her thing.

And I'll be there for her, too, as long as I'm able.

Happy New Year!