Stuff That Didn't Work

Here's our shit list of useless gadgets.  Check back for updates!

"Eco-friendly" jerry can nozzles: The only thing I can conclude is that an engineering intern was given an overnight deadline to design the "environmentally friendly" nozzle on these cans. Hopped up on Mountain Dew, he or she sketched it out sometime between 3:30 and 3:45 a.m., while simultaneously playing online video games. The nozzles are pretty much guaranteed to self-destruct on the very first use. I have lost springs and other small pieces into the fuel tank as I watched these nozzles disintegrate before my eyes. Bad enough, but they are about as environmentally friendly as the Exxon Valdez. They leak fuel all over the place, creating a far bigger mess than the old-style (non-environmentally friendly) nozzles. Worse, there's no alternative. Try finding the old nozzles anywhere in the Americas. They're all gone. And no, this isn't the EPA's fault. Nothing wrong with mandating spill-proof nozzles. It's the manufacturer's fault for a truly crappy design. This isn't rocket science, folks. Here's a video (not mine) showing the gas can fail.

Those freakin' nozzles!

Dyneema: I was persuaded that this high-tech synthetic stuff was just the thing to replace my aging stainless-steel lifelines. It's been nothing but problems for us. It might be good for other applications, but for lifelines, there's way too much stretch in Dyneema (which goes by other brand names, too). Expensive stainless fittings spun out and dropped overboard. I wish I had stuck with stainless. I was told by others that the Dyneema would reach an equilibrium and stop stretching. But, we haven't found that point yet -- a year after installation, it still stretches (a lot!) each time I give it a tug. Then, all the lifeline fittings must be readjusted. It's worth noting too that it cuts much more easily than the manufacturers' claims. I have heard it stated that it's impossible to cut a fully stranded length with a knife. Nonsense! A sharp knife cuts Dyneema almost as easily as any other rope. And a heat gun cuts through it like butter. All in all, I find the claims for this synthetic wonder-stuff to be highly overrated. Again, it's probably fine for some applications, but if you need something that won't stretch, this is definitely not the right material. As for strength, I would be cautious on that score as well.

Iridium satellite phone: Yes, technically it worked. When it got a fix, an event that could not be counted on. We used Ocens for the service, and text messages (supposed to be cheaper) never worked properly. Only the texting number would display, nothing else. Our shore-side contact ended up racking up a fortune in additional charges, which we weren't expecting. Communication was so iffy, we just gave up on the phone. Not worth the cost ($700) of the service package or the $700 phone (used), in our opinion. If we had it to do again, we would have spent the money on an upgraded SSB system and a Delrome Inreach, a more sophisticated version of our Spot Messenger. The Delrome allows inexpensive satellite texting that seems to be quite reliable. And really, that's all we would have needed.

Uniden Atlantis 200 hand-held VHF: Thought I got a good deal on this unit, which has the option for standard AAA batteries. Also, it is submersible. Except, it never worked right from the start. One push-to-talk, even at low power, and new batteries (or fully charged rechargeables) were nearly down to zero. A few months later of non-use and the unit just crapped out altogether. No display, no nothing. Uniden customer support was unhelpful.

Maglite flashlights: We bought one of those expensive police-style Maglites, thinking we were getting something for our money. Nothing could be further from the truth. The light lasted a few weeks and even then was always dim, even with new batteries. It proved pretty much useless. I have talked to several other cruisers who had the same experience with Maglites. We changed it for an LED flashlight (Defiant is the brand) that's proved bright and reliable.

Marina wifi: It doesn't much matter where, it just didn't work well. Often the signal was not strong enough to reach our slip or anchorage, regardless of how it was advertised. Even if it did reach, the bandwidth was typically very narrow and not infrequently, completely useless.